I found myself somewhat drained last night after writing yesterdays post. I have tried several times before to write about that point in my life and deleted every single one of them. It is hard to admit that I ever let my illness get such a hold over me that I tried to kill myself, not once but several times, but there seemed that there was no other way to put an end to it. When you are in that much pain and no one believes you, what else can you do? Death seemed like the only way to stop the pain. I still worry, not for myself, but for those out there right now, at this very minute battling through exactly what I did. I know that most people with MS and not just MS, seem to have to go through several years of illness before being diagnosed and I am sure some are out there right now, with small children unable to cope, not due to the children or depression but because of pain and fatigue with no one listening.
I see my life so differently now that my MS is under as much control as it can be. I don’t ever expect to have a pain free day, or a day that I can do all the things that I want to do, but I am happy as all of it is controlled and all of it is believed. In some ways that is probably the thing in life I hold highest and it is such a small thing, just being believed. I don’t look for sympathy and I don’t want pity, I ask only for small allowances for my physical limitations and the respect that should be given to all living creatures.
Last night I went to bed at 9:15 and before I went to sleep I ran through in my mind again that time in my life, there was all the way through that time one constant joy and that was children. I can remember Teressa coming and giving me a cuddles, as though she and she alone could see the pain I was in. I can remember her wonderfully grownup way of using her little voice, when her words were no more than babble, her huge brown eyes demanding that I listened and comforting me. I slept last night with good memories and a knowledge that the past is past and another day of better things was ahead.