For the past few days I have been avoiding writing about this. I have been doing my usual thing of pretending that if I don’t think about it, it doesn’t matter. The words Ostrich and head come to mind. It doesn’t matter how old you get we all seem to have this silly self preservation theory, that we all know doesn’t work, be we do it over and over again. To make the Ostrich theory worse one of the points of me keeping this blog is to write all about what is really happening with my health.
I have in the past several occasions were my mind has played tricks on me, I think I have already documented the day I got to work and I was totally lost and completely terrified as I didn’t know where I was, all because they moved a few desks. Well this is a little different.
Adam calls me every day at lunchtime so my 1pm call is always expected and appreciated, Monday was no different except I found myself having to lie. Adam seemed very concerned about how I was and if I was OK after last night. I didn’t know what he was talking about so I brushed over it with a flip comment of ‘Ye I wasn’t at my best was I’. He didn’t let it go at that and kept asking questions that I couldn’t answer. I pieced together that I had been crying and then went to my bed, leaving Adam with the impression that he had done something to upset me.
All week this has been playing on my mind. I totally don’t remember anything and I do mean anything about it. There is a huge slice of Sunday completely missing. I tried to speak to Adam last night and it was his turn to do the brush off thing. Now that means one of two things, either he doesn’t think it is at all important or he thinks it is really important and doesn’t want to stress me out about it. All he could or would add was that I had gone into the kitchen and he came through to make sure I was OK as I had been gone a while. He said that I was standing leaning on the counter as I often do when I feel really dizzy and I was crying. He said that I was clearly upset and he thought that maybe he had done something, when I hadn’t wanted to explain what was wrong he thought it best to leave it for then and that was why he had asked me on the phone the next day. I still remember nothing.
I remember sitting in the living-room and watching ‘Country File’ followed by ‘Upstairs Downstairs’ and I can pin point that is where Sunday ends, part way through ‘Upstairs Downstairs’. I had been looking forwards to seeing it as it was the last in the series, but I don’t remember the end, or anything after it? Adam might be right, it may be nothing but I’m not so sure. As a one off it probably is nothing but if it happens again it maybe something to mention to the nurse the next time she calls. The strange thing is I don’t feel scared at having lost a chunk of a day, in itself that seems odd, surly I should be worried, all I feel is intrigued by it.