I am constantly been told and reading that as I have been totally housebound for over 4 years, that I should and must be depressed, sitting in the corner of my settee not responding to everything around me. When the nurse from the Rehab team was here she was astounded that I was so together and so with it. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that there is something wrong with me? In many ways this has become one of the most calm and happy times in my life, without the pressures of everyday life constantly hammering at me. There is actually a feeling of peace and contentment with my life that I never had before.
When I was diagnosed with RPMS I thought that the only path now open to me was just as I described above. I had a glimpse of where things will eventually be, before I had the Mitoxantrone, I saw then a person sat motionless, locked inside a body that didn’t work and not caring, a person who was just waiting her time for release. I was pulled back from that point, not just me, but everyone saw the change it made and I pulled myself back to not my actual feet, but the emotional ones and started back on the normal path everyone walks.
It was never a conscious decision, or a something I felt any time was spent thinking about, I simply grabbed on and rejoined the roller coaster. I for some reason have never seen my home as a prison, which is what I am told other who are housebound feel, it may be because I spent all my spare time and energy building a place I love, I’m not sure. Every room has beautiful things to look at, so even if I am stuck unable to change my position, my view will be a lovely one. There is nothing in my home that I hate and want to get rid of, little that causes pain or longing and rarely items that annoy me. Yes I have spent time and energy planning what will happen, but I can still do that just now, I don’t have the luxury of doing it later. Later is a space I am avoiding as long as I can. Maybe that is why I am happy to be here in my personal cocoon, I live my life for the now, not for tomorrow.
I can only think that my decision to accept what I had to and fight what I could, has lead me to being able to find happiness without venturing outside. Just for a minute, imagine that your life ahead of you is never ending Sundays, no need to get dresses or put your makeup on, no need to rush around sorting out other peoples lives. A space within which you have built a nest, which without to many others within is a sanctuary for your mind, calm and beautiful. You can still view the world thorough your PC and TV, you can talk to people on the phone and none can see you haven’t brushed your hair after your nap. Does this sound like a place you would hate or one that you could embrace, accept and be contented in? Does this not sound like a place where you could work on living rather than dieing?