I have gone 2 full days without any real changes. The spasms have settled down, as is normal I am not free of them but mainly they at a level that allows me to live. I called the ‘Rehab’ team yesterday and as I have found regardless what these teams call themselves, you only ever get to speak to an answering machine. So once again I am fulfilling my role as a patient, in both senses of the word.
The past couple of weeks really has left me wondering about the whole subject of my working. If I am totally honest with myself and everyone else, I am not 100% sure I could work full time any longer. My last job was one that I could fulfill, as I had spent the years before making changes to systems and workload timings to suit myself. Being able to program meant I could automate so many things, I worked hard on making sure that I had everything set up so I could continue for probably another 3 to 4 years. To put myself in the position that I have to learn everything from scratch, master new computer systems and new company procedures, I think, may well just be too much for me.
My Doctor and my Neurologist have suggested many times in the past that I really should think about not working, as they both thought it was too much for me. The pigheaded, stubborn mule side of me has fought it for years. I just not sure if I have enough strength to fight it any longer. To find a new company that will let me work flexie time and accept flexi,e sometimes isn’t just an hour here or there it can be a couple of days ahead or behind. Then allow me to rearrange an entire department to work with me at my pace, plus give me a few months to automate many of their systems, may be stretching my luck in the job market just now.
It’s hard to face up to the possibility that my MS is actually going to win. Work to me was part of my system to keep myself going, I would say that writing has to a certain degree, filled part of the space. I seem to be permanently tired these days and I don’t know if that is because I have the space to feel like this or is it my health is worst. I can now without thinking about it, sit and stare at the computer screen, doing nothing and suddenly realising 10, maybe even 15 minutes have passed. The scary bit of that is, I am content to do it, why?
I need to think through all the implications and effects, but I’m starting to see a different role in life is required.