I can’t get myself moving today, not physically but mentally. My mind just want to coast not take in or even bother to process the simplest of things. My TV is on and I have been trying to play one of the games on my PC, but this numb fuzzy feeling is filling every spare cell. I’m feeling unbelievably lazy. No desire to move an empty coffee mug or even fill it up again, just a relaxed nothing. I suppose this is one of the few luxurious that unemployment allows you. There is no pressure other than to read through the job adds and apply for some. So far this month I have applied for 21 and had 11 refusals, at least this month they are actually telling me I haven’t got the job. I couldn’t believe that in December only 3 refusals for the 30 applications. So OK, I like no one else likes to get refusals, but I do like everyone else, like to know that I actually exist.
I have to get active, being forced into doing nothing is something that I never thought anyone would manage to make me do. This isn’t me. I’m not a lazy person. I’m not someone you find lying on the settee to watch TV, I’m the one who sits up on the edge trying to keep my back straight. I was the person who ran round the house before going to work making sure there were no dishes in the sink, ashtrays were empty and ‘Home and Gardens’ could have done a photo shoot at any second. Why, I’m not sure, may-be because that was how my home was as a child. But there was and is just me, not my mother and the 3 ladies who came round to the house twice each week to help her. Adam does what he feels needs done and he will never be the houseproud person I was and still at heart am. I’ve learned to live with spots of dust and things in the wrong place, but I’ve never been as bad as this. I’m kidding myself saying that it’s just today, it happens more and more these days and I don’t like it, I don’t want to like it.
How do you find the focus that working gives you, when there is no work? It’s not just the having a wage, it’s having structure with a purpose, centered activities and the planning of everything else round it. All I can center on now seems to be the 12 hrs of sleep my body demands. That leaves 12 more that are filling themselves with drifting and I’m scared by the vision in front of me of the day when even my PC vanishes and all I’ll see is the TV. I’ve seen it in others and now I can glimpse it in me. When I drift it masks the pain, as drifting needs no motion or effort, but it a strategy that doesn’t appeal.