The events of the past week are pulling hard on my heart and mind today. I have been on such a hard journey through the good and the painful times. For the first time in years though, I now have the support and help of my little brother. He is a 45 year old grandfather but in my heart I hold a picture of him aged just 11, somehow I can’t let go of that, no matter how often I have seen him since then. My moving away from Aberdeen really did set the separation from my family, then my MS sealed it.
It’s hard to explain the realities of my world to someone who hasn’t seen me for so long. The phases and journey are so different for each individual that sending them to some medical site doesn’t really help. For now I am not ready to let him read this. I don’t have it hidden, but that usually is the best place to keep secrets.
I have been wondering round my home in Aberdeen, feeling and seeing the spaces that I loved and grew up in. The house is for sale so there are loads of photos on line just now. It was my paradise, my fairy land, my castle, a magical land that made the rest of the world seem grey and cold. I was always safe there, always happy. Right now I can step back cleanly into it, drift calmly in a place and time where there wasn’t any pain and I had a body that could run and fly.
I was luckier than most children I had a home that was so beautiful and a garden so big that I needed nothing else than a very little imagination to be in a different story everyday. On and off I have used those stories and that reality to calm and re-leave the pain. Drugs alone don’t take it away the pain, having a place to run to in my mind has always helped. Closing my eyes, slowing my breathing and setting my mind on a track back to Friendville, a peaceful warm journey that closes out the sharper edges. A small set of photo’s and a brother to tell me about them, have filled in the grey fuzzy areas that time had produced.
They say that good things often come out of bad. My Dad was bad, his death is bad, but here is the first signs of something good.
(Should you wish to see Friendville I have uploaded some more picture in my media)