A painful good bye

In the past 30 years I never once thought that I would find myself so effected by something that I remember as a teenager wishing would happen daily. My father has died and my reaction has been so far from what I thought it would be, that I am now worried as to what my M.S. may do as a reaction. There is one thing I am sure about when it comes to living with M.S. and that is, that anything that stresses or breaks the routine of life, is like opening a gate and letting it loose. Five years ago I lost all use of my left arm for about six months and I never want to go though that again.

Parents are supposed to care and support, to nurture and lift their children from the cradle to adulthood. His approach was abuse, pushing down, destroying any spark that proved I was me. My escape route appeared on the day that he broke my nose and dislocating four of my finger, I was just 14. So why can there suddenly be a huge hole where I actually thought nothing had been?

I am trying like mad to hold on to normality, to grieve but to do so within safe boundaries. His funeral is today, my brothers and my sister are attending with their partners, Adam and I are not going. Four hundred miles and the hostility that is through out the family are both things that I wouldn’t be able to manage. I know that I was the one who built in the distance but it was and is the only way that I can deal with all of them. Yes I do still love them all, but half an hour on a phone and you are left feeling that the Spanish inquisition has been to call, for me that is also about all I can handle, exhaustion starts and moves fast, I loose track of the conversation and I slip into not listening. The result, the questions grow, as my answers stop fitting with what they expect to hear, I get confused and emotional and it becomes too much for me.

Today is a life point that we all have to pass through. It can’t be avoided or ignored and I can’t stop what it may or may not do to me emotionally or physically, all I can do is to try to control it. The past few days are taking there toll, I am tired and my mind wanders off, things stop and snap back, tireder, confused and numb, unfortunately the numbness today is not in my body. This has taken 3 hrs to write, rewrite and write again. The processes of logic just don’t seem reachable.