Step to the future

New year is said to be the start of new hopes and wishes. I guess most think they know what mine are, that they are clear and simple. I doubt that I need to list them as the are plain for all to see. Just 11 years ago we had just enjoyed our first Christmas in the first home either of us had ever owned. We were totally happy looking forward together with no idea what the year would hold for us and how much it would change both our lives.

Adam and I had only been together a comparatively short time when we somehow both knew that the relationship we had was more than just good, it was for keeps and neither of us could wait to tell everyone. We married in April 1999, most were happy for us, some were surprised and some just set against us. The problem for them was the age difference as I am 17 years older than Adam. I knew full well the whispers at work and the disgust from my mother who never even came to our wedding. I have to say now that if I had known what was ahead that I might not have married so quickly as I often feel sorry for Adam, his life trapped by my health. I can hear him now telling me off for thinking that but you can’t be condemned for thinking something, luckily. But I do hurt for him when I yet again have to say that I’m tired, or in pain, or have to ask him to do something for me again.

I can remember the first time I went to the Doctor with aches and pains all over my body, tiredness, losses of balance and just simply unwell. It wasn’t that long after my daughter was born and I still remember being sent away on that occasion as wasting his time. What did I expect as a new mother to feel totally fit healthy and alive? Clearly I was wrong. I remained wrong for each and every visit, even on the odd occasion that I had been able to push and be sent to a hospital for tests the reaction had been the same. It had to be all in my head or everyone else must be feeling the same maybe what I felt was wrong was just normal life for all as the great and the good of the medical profession could find nothing wrong with me. 2001 was the year my health dipped again and was also the year that I was going to insist on more test, it was nearly another year when I was going to go home again with no reasons, an illness, but no cure.

The first round of doctors and tests found one condition I had never heard of, I had Fibromyolgia and possibly Meniere’s. Specialist round 2 sent me for an MRI scan as he wasn’t sure what was going on with my balance. It took 6 month to get the results of that scan as someone forgot to send it to him. He appologised and told me they had found something he had only seen once before in his career, there were many lesions on my brain and he thought I had MS but I had to see specialist number 3. They say you shouldn’t ask for something as you might just get it. In 2001 I asked to know what was wrong with me and for the first time they told me. I have Progressive Multiple Sclerosis.

Looking forward what do I want for 2012, I’m not even going to let myself answer that question, something in the future are better left there for when they are ready to declare themselves.