I seem to have developed a skill I thought only belonged to teenagers and my husband. I can now without any encouragement or struggle, manage a whole hour and more. It used to seem to me to be one of those things that was nothing but an avoidance system. You know what I mean, for example, when the housework needs doing you suddenly have to go to the supermarket for some bleach, you will need it to clean the bathroom properly and although there is some in the cupboard it probably won’t be enough so, best go now. On the way home, you happen, after walking as slowly as you could all the way down the road, meet a neighbor who of course you have to go for coffee with, well rude to do anything else and god forbid that you would ever do anything rude. A well homed avoidance system can actually take days to play out and actually achieves nothing. That’s what I thought my new skill was, but I now see it differently.
I have just spent an hour lying in my bed not actually asleep, as I wasn’t really tired, but on the edge of sleep. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this in the past couple of months but it is really the first time that I have found such a physical refreshment and my mind being at peace.
I just lay there in the warmth and silence of my bed with my eyes shut and let my brain drift anywhere it wanted. I was at first very aware of my thought trail and what was driving it, then it ran away all on it’s own and it was fun and it was an escape. I’m never totally free from pain but even that seems reduced. When the alarm woke me this morning it was hellish and quickly drove me back to bed, I couldn’t deal with sitting any longer. I had lain down in the quest of finding a position that would ease the pressure on my arms and legs.
I know it sounds nuts that just sitting upright at a desk can cause so much pain but it constantly destroys me. Taking away all clear thought, monopolizing everything, silent prayers that a tiny adjustment in posture will let me sit just that bit longer. Like today I sometimes give in, I waited for my morning tablets to kick in, the edges had been dulled but I found myself still unable to start my day and get on with the job search. I had no choice and I went and hide in my bed, hoping not just comfort but also sleep will take over. I frequently try the pain control methods I have been taught, maybe this time, even though they never have before.
It took me about twenty minutes to find just the spot that let me rest, but this was the first time that I gave up trying to control my thoughts, no relaxation tricks, no story making, nothing, I just lay there and let go. The doorbell interrupted me and broke my drifting. That’s what it was, drifting. I wasn’t asleep and I wasn’t bored out of my head or fidgeting, the usual effect of being in bed awake, no I was happy, relaxed and without effort holding back the pain. I just hope that some how in the future I can find that place again but there lies the problem in any future drifts, how do you can you force an accident happen again?